I typed this report out until my rear was all numb and swollen and I was
sitting drenched in a percolating pool of my own saturated fats.  Most of
its true; some of its probably the fabrication of my cholesterol soaked
mind. But two sets of Lee pressons later its completed and now I can die
happy knowing Ive left something for mankind to present to the supergoats.
So without further ad..well you get the idea
dee dee dee deee dee dee dee ..........BREEEEE!!!

The Chris Peterson F.A.T.A.S.S.  V 1.0 By John Vsetula
(Frequently Asked Thingies, Albacore Submarine Sandwich)
Chris Peterson
1804 York Lane, Greenville, Minnesota, Usa, Earth
(Oh my God he thinks we're on earth!)
Age: 31
Heredity:Son of Fred and Gladys
               1/16th Lacoda Sioux Indian
    Possibly also part Jackalope (unconfirmed)
Pigmentation:Albino
Aliases:Male model stage name "Sparkles"
  CB handle "Tightpants"
  Walletboy
  Boy
Number of times killed: 11
Favourites:
 Color:Peach
 Cartoon:The one where daffy tries to get bugs shot but the hunters
  shoot him instead until his bill is on the other side of his face
 Song:Tie Alley Cat
     Billy Dont Be a Hero
 Snack:Raisins that have gotten all warm and gushy in his pants pocket
 Cigarettes: GK Chesterton Hi-tar 100's
 Clothes:
  His trademark striped shirt
  Lace up red underwear with the gold piping
  Delicious cheese flavoured pants (28 waist 40 inseam)
  Reversible shoes
  Full length fur coat with detachable velcro bottom
Friends: Larry Potter
   Gus "Lardass" Bordon
   Occasionally Miss Sharon
Nemesis: Cousin Donald
Trademark Sound: Beep beep be beep beep
Marital Status:Divorced from Nicholette Preston (marriage lasted 2h 47min)
                       Was also married to "Gussy" in an alternate reality
Allergies: Some sauces give him a rash
Cholesterol Level: That of an 80 year old truck driver
HIghest level of education completed: University
 Also completed a rigorous 1 week program at Handsome Boy modelling school
Jobs Held: Head paperboy (present)
       Male Model
       Professional Escort ($4/hr plus an assortment of cash and prizes)
       Government Food Inspector ($5 bribe/investigation)
                  Professional speller on the Professional Spelling Bee
Circuit
       Construction worker
       House Sitter
Lifelong Dreams: To get really fat and be buried in a piano crate
       To own a full length fur coat
Happiest day of his life:When he realized his rear had stopped growing
Recurring dream: "I realize you are a car sir, but I must reprimand you for
trying on my pants"
Fears:Sand people
          The snakes that live inside us
          Had to shower with his clothes on because he believed there was
someone watching him in the shower head
Pet peeves: When people try to make out with his dad
Community involvement:Amateur Theatre-Star of the hit "Zoo Animals on
Wheels"
       Saved a playground by having stuff piled on top of him
       Volunteer youth counsellor
 

Well there it is, feel free to contribute.  Ill probably add more to it
myself.